Where I could still pretend you were mine

I know it sounds incredibly cliche, and I'm being stupid because it's all nostalgia. It's what keeps me awake at night, and why I can't hold it together for more than a week. and I know it's no longer fate because all fate has told me is to move ahead and I can't do that. I feel you during sad songs, and other people's heartbreaks, and I know why fairy tails were written. and it's for those of us who rely on fate, and understand sad songs and fairy tales, and can't hold it together because of them. It's almost been two years, in a month and four hours and fifty three minutes. and there is this part of me that's sitting in sixth period on a cold day two years ago, and texting a boy I never knew would hurt me this bad, and there's this other part that is sitting on the bus next to oak taking numbers out of her phone, and a part at kynzies in eighth grade, and that part still in your living room, and on the black floor chair, and in the nutrition section, and there's a little part in your old bed, and a little bigger part than that walking around lake newatzel or standing by the shore of it, and at the bus stop, and the biggest part is sitting in a purple chair on her computer with her her hands on the keyboard writing this and she is the only one still moving, and she's the only one with a chance. and I feel bad if anyone ever falls in love with her it's because of him, and what he did to me. and i remember when i used to stay home on week days, and when I asked you if you still felt the same way and you didn't say anything, and I started sitting at a different table in third period, and you didn't say hi to me in the halls anymore, and I didn't wait for you in the parking lot, and I stopped kissing you at work, and you starting kiss her instead. and the cycle kept going, and you all fell in love, and you all were happy, and me.. i never got over it, I never fell in love, and I was never happy. and it's a tragedy because as the other walls started falling in around me I no longer had the strength to push them back up, and right now all that seperates us is the pacific ocean and I never had the strength to cross it. See what you have to understand is that I've never been the type of girl who grabs your hand during a good movie, or is the first to kiss you in public, and I've never told anyone how I feel, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it, or want to kiss you, or want your hands. it's that you might not want mine. it's stupid because I feel like it was fate that put me in that class, but it might just be chance. and I don't know how to tell the difference and that not heartbreak is my biggest problem.