I'm looking at all these posts and thinking about how much time and words I wasted on someone who never really meant anything to me. I just assosiate happiness to being with you, and it's not real, happiness doesn't look like me and you, it looks like me missing someone, and being too young to understand that it's just nostalgia. You're just this guy who I hung out with sophmore year, who made me cry a bunch, and took me to parties and tried to get me drunk so you could add me to your list of girls you've had sex with. It's the truth, and I can't deny that, and then you went out with my best friend, and fell in love a bunch, and then you joined the army and I still think that this is what happiness looks like, but i'm young and wrong, and I'll learn

This will be the last time I ever try and set the record. This isn't what being in love looks like, this is what being in love with someone looks like, and there's a huge difference between the two. Being in love with someone is visiting them at work, and kissing them during football games, and laying down on the floor with them after really really late nights, and sitting on bar stools wearing their jackets and holding their beer and laughing at all the stupid things they say, and grocery shopping, and lunch runs, and getting them out of third period every day, and feeding them skittles on your birthday, and kissing.. a lot of kissing, and walking down by the lake in august watching them fall in love with someone else and doing your very very best to be happy because they are, and giving them the decency to not cry in front of them, and watching stupid movies, and not being able to get over it. This is also what being pathetic looks like, it's never getting over these stupid moments, and wasting the time staying up on late nights with them, and trying your best to make them think that it all turned out good for you, even if it didn't. I am the prime example of when someone is looking for someone to save them, and finds that person, and then loses them and loses themself too. I AM NOT GOING TO GET OVER THE WAY I FEEL AROUND YOU, AND MY HEART WON'T BEAT ANY SLOWER WHEN YOU ARE AROUND, AND I'M STILL GOING TO WASTE POINTLESS NIGHTS WISHING WE HAD THIS BACK, but It will happen again, and it won't happen like this, but I'm just looking for someone to save me

I've become so unhuman, and so void latelythat my mouth hardly works when I go to use it.

To know you all wrong we were.

What if you gave your best words to me and everyone else, and everyone else only knows about them, and not me, and you want it all and we have nothing.
I was wearing white the last time I saw you in person, and my hair still had that black in it that I really miss. I'm getting so lost in this, with a job I hate and I'm wasting all my time with my keyboard, and I always said I couldn't have a life without money, and now that I have money I don't have a life because I'm too busy making it. I think this is what wasted youth looks like, and if it isn't.. it looks just like this.

i'm seriously about to overdose on nostalgia

We don't talk, your in a different country and you won't come back until the end of the summer probably, but it doesnt' matter because we haven't felt the same in years. I haven't been the same since febuary of 2008, and I'm not sure if i'm the only person who notices it. I don't know why this couldn't have just worked out for me. I can't even remember what being with you feels like, and I don't recall how it feels to kiss you, I can't even remember what shirt I was wearing when it happened. I wonder if you'll want me this summer, or the next, and I wonder when my nostalgia for you will be forced onto someone else. we're not sitting on your living room couch anymore, and we're not at red apple, or that black chair, and your not leaning down to kiss me during football games. we're on the floor of mikes room and he's laying with that blonde chick who never mattered and we're not making out we're just whispering and your playing with my hair the way you used to, and I have no idea that i'm going to hold shawns hand in front of you yet, or that your not going to marry the first girl you said you would. I hardly remember being a wallflower at kyles, and I hardly remember drinking love potion, and I hardly remember fighting with you, but I can kinda remember making up. I don't know what love looks like, but I hope it looks like this, and I hope It feels like this, because I know it hurts just like this.

we were so young back then, and so much has happened, but I still feel almost exactly the same as I felt down by the lake two augusts ago, I just don't cry about it anymore.

I am weak, and I'm nostalgic, and theres nothing I can do about either

I hope I can find the words to write this, even though I can't find the words to speak it.
My social skills have gone to hell. I can't even hold a phone conversation with my mom. I can't go out in public, I haven't in weeks and it's right outside my front door. I don't know what happened to me, I guess this is a side-effect of choosing exclusivity over people. I feel so much anxiety that it keeps me up for hours at night, I wake up at six I go to sleep at three and I sit on the futon the entire day, periodically getting up to refill my water bottle or put it in the fridge. I need to change this if I'm going to survive next year. I'm not sure I can live like this any longer, but the shakes and the night sweats, and the routined breathing aren't doing anything. More than anything I want to live my life to the fullest but I can't even leave the house without being terrified. What does this mean, and when did I become so fucked up?

to quote the flaming lips.. all we have is now

I haven't talked to lucas in a month and a little over a week. It hurts, I can't change anything. I moved up here to get away from all the pain that I had back in that town but it followed me, and my hearts still broken, even ninety miles away. I know that i'm just looking for an escape, and I know that I have one. I think I used to call him june? Maybe he was july, if i've ever had one. Or maybe I called him hawaii, because until this june that's where he is. There's something that brings you back to me for summer romances for the past four years. I don't know why. We used to lay in jades bed over the summer and watch oc reruns, and play thumbwar, and to date you're the only person whos hands sweat more than mine when you're holding them. I can't really remember if that's still true. I used to vaguely compare us to summer and seth, and you texted me at seven in the morning once to tell me that this is what happiness looks like, but i'm not so sure. I wonder where this'll go. Maybe nowhere, maybe i'll waste my weekends on you, maybe i'll keep it casual, or maybe you'll have my entire summer. But I don't know how to hold you in the winter.