it's all ideal.

This is me having one of those days that I used to have in ninth grade, and that period in feburary and march of sophmore year when I felt the worst of being heartbroken. and even when my eyes are completely dry, I can still manage to find a few tears, and my food doesn't taste the same, and I don't eat that food the same way, and I don't have as much of myself to give anymore, and it's all different.
and I think that there comes a point when you give someone the absolute best of you, and it doesn't change anything or matter, and when everything is said and done you aren't as good as you were because they ruined that part of you. and I shouldn't have ever let you get the best of me. and I shouldn't have wasted my good days on you ever, and I shouldn't have good thursdays because we all know what made them good, and I no longer look forward to them anyways. It's almost been two years, and it feels like yesterday, or maybe the day before and I can't get your taste out of my mouth, and everyones hands are just a reminder that they aren't yours. If I can't find the courage to change things, then what do I do? especially if my attitude is in the way, and my feelings, and everything that makes me unhappy.
She's right though, sometimes you don't need a shoulder, sometimes you really do need the hands, or the knees, or the face, and sometimes you need all three.

I don't understand how someone can suffer for so long and have nothing good come out of it, I just want one permanent good thing to hold onto for as long as I can keep it, or some words that no one manages to say to me, or some feelings that aren't just mine for a change.

I know you told me once at a party that you could never like me, and I know you told me once over text that you don't remember saying that, and I know you controdicted yourself again by saying something similiar but at the end of the day, I just want to not have to feel so lonely anymore, if that's what this is. and I just want to be rewarded for my bad days. because it's been almost two years since that has happened.