I started to realize the peace that has been growing from the scars

when i picture my life it's in two catagories, what i have and what i need. I have a loving family, i have a heated blanket and a itouch, i have unlimited texting and a teen vogue subscription, a woodstock poster, spray tan in a bottle, late nights, early mornings, window markers, crooked teeth, desire, and ideas. i need hapiness, contemtment, a hummer h3, a full time job, a 20 lbs lighter body, an interview subscription, thrive, determination, a cute boyfriend, and a life I can enjoy living. it's always been this way, I've never made the best of it, I don't have fun anymore, if you give me a bottle and a chaser I can let it slide for a few hours but I'm not sure what living my life would look like. It's weird, when you look back on your life there is always those few moments you return to and think about how right it feels, or how good your doing with it. when I think of enjoying it, i only see two things. a spaceneedle trip with my dad in first grade, and this small moment walking down the runway at state; alyssa closing my eyes and staring down at me with a complete understanding that It comes down to two of us. I was always good but I never had the desire for any of it, the only thing I remember is sitting as they called the second place all around with the understanding that I could have given it more, and I didn't. I'm wasting this so much that it's gotten to the point where I can't stand to think about it, and when I do it makes me sick, or frustrated, but never determined because I wouldn't know the first thing about living. i can't picture having the ability to let the little things slide, or to go on knowing that the best will come when you give it your best, or when your happy. especially when I don't know how to be any of those. i think this is what being secretly miserable looks like. from a cynics point of view you only see two things, how you see the world, and how everyone else does and you feel so alone, and your not sure what steps to take but you wish you were already there. god, please say that i'm not going to figure this out but that It will happen. I don't want to sit here for the rest of my life wishing I had made it work, I can't remember what living, or being happy, or being content, or smiling for real would look like. and i wish with all that i have that i could do that.