Although we fit together, we just don't belong.

I think this is what being lonely feels like. and I don't find it in sitting alone at the movies, or laying in bed by myself, or holding my own hands. I find it in the fact that you are potentially gone, and he is actually gone, and he is metaphorically gone, and I am right here. All these people have moved on with there lives and some of you are in love, and some of you are moving away, and some of you are sitting on a beach in hawaii staring at the waves and thinking it has never felt this good before. and then there's me and I am staring at the computer screen after a long night and the pills haven't kicked in, and my life is staying the same, and I'm lost somewhere a few years ago and I'm just not growing up or learning from any of it. I don't want to be the girl who wakes up twenty years from now and never does the things she said she'd do. or the dreams I had, or these stupid little ideas I've had in my head for the past decade that haven't gone anywhere but on a stupid blog, or a stupid piece of paper that's lying in an old box. I live by all these years, and I forget how to live every day. I'm stuck in a month, and I relive it as everyone elses lives go on. I'm so stuck of being happy, that I forget i'm really miserable, and I really forgot what everything looks like, and my front lawn has grown three inches, and my mom looks older, and my brother has a girlfriend and on the weekends they swim together, and all my friends are going around enjoying their lives and their boyfriends lives and they are thinking that everyday is just as good as the last one. and I can't even remember what I did yesterday, but I remember how I was feeling because it's the exact same as I am feeling today. This is me saying that I never do the things I say I will, and my life doesn't get better, because I never try, I wish I had someone holding my hands all this way but life doesn't work like that. and I don't want to feel this way forever.