I hope I can find the words to write this, even though I can't find the words to speak it.
My social skills have gone to hell. I can't even hold a phone conversation with my mom. I can't go out in public, I haven't in weeks and it's right outside my front door. I don't know what happened to me, I guess this is a side-effect of choosing exclusivity over people. I feel so much anxiety that it keeps me up for hours at night, I wake up at six I go to sleep at three and I sit on the futon the entire day, periodically getting up to refill my water bottle or put it in the fridge. I need to change this if I'm going to survive next year. I'm not sure I can live like this any longer, but the shakes and the night sweats, and the routined breathing aren't doing anything. More than anything I want to live my life to the fullest but I can't even leave the house without being terrified. What does this mean, and when did I become so fucked up?