hey baby girl.

I don't know how to be happy by myself.
The other night I was at a party, and there was a girl there who was going crazy. And even though she got continuously punched, and yelled at. I envied her, a year from now when everyone is talking about how great this party was.. they will remember her, how she was loud, and how she was crazy, and how she ran away from everything, but they won't remember me. and they might hardly remember lindsey, not kynzie either, and definately not me. and in all the ways I hurt, this hurts too..
Lucas is ignoring me, and I feel so worked up about it that I can barely breathe, and I needed to get away, so I came to the library, but I still feel it. I have no idea what the next step is, I was never good at this part. The needing or the wanting, but especially not the suffering. I was wrong, I don't miss being heartbroken in the slightest.. I just don't know how to be anything but. I'm shaking, I'm taking it out on everyone, I just need to learn what being alone actually feels like, and this time I can't hide behind january, or september, or lucas, or any of the other problems. It's a head-on dilema, and I hate the feeling I get when I realise something. It's not fate anymore, I can't rely on it to make me feel better.. I just have to breathe, in smoke or air, and drink in water or alcohol, but I can't get lost in it. So i'm turning to the one thing I'm good at, and that is denial... so tonight, deny unhappiness, deny feeling alone, and enjoy it a little. The sun will still come up tomorrow, wether or not you come up with it.