I don't feel like i'm sitting in my room right now, I feel so lifeless and lost and I'm not sure where my head is at, but it's not anywhere on my body. My hands feel so rough though, and the texture isn't that framiliar feeling that i'm used to, I guess it's wearing down just like august, because it's certainly september. I think I remembered speed walking and early morning drives home, and the way coffee tastes when you'd rather have tea. But I don't remember cold air, or what holding hands feels like, or being held, or holding on, but I certainly can recall letting go. This is me saying that I think I'm starting to fall in love with everyone, even the ones I can't remember, and I create this imaginary chemistry because I want it to be there. Then I hold onto it, sleep if off, give it some thought and combine all this context that never existed all because I don't want to be alone anymore, even if that means making all the good things up. I know how to convince myself that everythings looking up, and I know what having faith in something other than myself can look like. I'm doing this with you even though I can't remember our conversations, just like I did it with him, and I watched oc reruns with him, and I fell for all of you because I really wanted someone there to catch me, even if it was only a safety net I convinced myself it was your hands, and I believed it. Your just a 6 letter synonym for what I want to happen. I guess I was never the type of kid to look on the bright side of anything, but I create everything I want to happen, and to me it kinda does even when it doesn't and It's always good and never bad, and everything is said, and no hearts are broken, and I'm happy again, and your in love, and this time it's me. But the reality is, I think I just really want to fall in love again, and I want my life to get better, but I forget that it's babysteps, and not a airplane ride. and I convince myself that I'm wrong about all of this, even when I write it down knowing it's all right.