Since I can't seem to find a way to love you

At this very second I've spent 13,992 hours and 24 minutes on you. Most of which have been wasted, maybe even all of it. I can't think of a single thing that is worth wasting that much time on, i've even gone through two birthdays, and one shoe size, and I've grown an inch and a half. You've almost stayed the same, the only thing different about you is how many girls you've had sex with and the length of your hair.

Last night was nice, I saw for about five minutes a glimpse of how you used to look at me, but you don't talk the same, and you don't have that glow that you used to have. Half the time you didn't stand out or stand up. But my heart still beat twice as fast when your around. Oh and I'm never as good as when you're there. We have this chemistry, that might not be chemistry but could be anxiety that I can't distinguish. and there was a few moments where it was natural. I think the weather changes with my mood. I woke up to a perfect blue sky and the sun shining luminously through my window. now I sit here and evalutate the outside and all I see is clouds. I think the only one who can predict this is god, and I think i've prayed to him enough, and wished on enough 11:11's to believe that there is an ounce of hope, even if I can't seem to find it.

But you don't want me, and this is going to be hard for some people to understand because I'm taking the littlest of signs and predicting an entire fate. This morning just as I am dropping you off. I watched you get out of my car, walk up your stairs, open your door and step inside your house. Which is how I know that you feel nothing. This is completely over for you I now get that. Because in the few moments of you reaching for the door and opening it. I realised the small underlying factor. You never looked back at me.

This is stupid, but completely reasonable. There's this small gesture people with feelings do, and its what made me watch him walk away. Or November drive away, or July get into the back of a car. You used to do this, and there was a time when you couldn't take your eyes off of me and it takes me knowing you to realise if there was anything left I would have watched you walk up your stairs, reach for the door handle, glance backward, linger, and walk inside. and if you had, the sky would be clear and I'd be able to see the sun again.

ciao.