and maybe tonight I can breathe for a while

This is the worst I've felt in two years. Getting into a black jeep one night and losing my mind a little and not talking for weeks, and hiding the secrets, and ignoring my feelings. That's all 2008 was about, when I think of last year I only see two things, me being miserable and me being the happiest. I can't find a medium. The only thing I know is right now my hands are sweating again and I finally remember what having butterflies feels like and I can't walk because of it. My hands shake, my heart aches, and my words have no meaning unless I'm using them on you. It's been over four months, all of them I didn't spend on moving on. The only thing I can promise is it's been a little more than 120 days and I haven't used a single one crying because of you.



What if we don't feel anything again, what If I gave everything into changing anything and nothing does. What If I have nothing left aftwards. I've never been so scared in my life. I can guarentee that she doesn't feel this way when she thinks about you. I have so much more. I'm sorry I can't write but in less than eight hours I'll see january again, and we will pretend like it's febuary. At least I hope it's not march.

The only things I can see right now are the way the clouds look, and I can look at the sun without blinking. I remember crying by the lake in august, and kissing you in november, falling in love in january, and you falling in love in march. But not with me, and I remember now moving on, and wasting time, and giving you my best, and feeling the worst, and losing sleep, and trying to move on. I remember failing, and I remember me trying to get it all back, and you forgetting . I remember the seventh, and my good thursdays, and my bad mondays, and the best saturdays, and that nice three day weekend that neither of us remember.

but for now, i'll try looking my best. my hands are shaking so I have to stop typing because the backspace and delete button are being overused. ciao

this is the part i suck at.
wish me luck