saturdays and sundays and late nights and a few mondays.

There's this thing that comes along with falling in love with everyone. and its even after wishing for them, and its even after crying over them, it's getting heartbroken by them. and its not right away, but it always happens eventually. and if your january it happens more than once, and if your early september it happens right away and then we regret it. and if your october it happens once in july, and sometime in mid november, and twice the october after. I think it's just the fact that I always have that way of thinking that we would be perfect together, and I always picture this life that I never have with them and I live in it. and it's so story book and fairy tale that I believe in it. and it's the reason I never have relationships, because I fall in love with them before I get to know them. and all in all it's just because I want to fall in love, so it's ridiculous because it's the one thing stopping it from happening. and I care too much.

and you don't care at all, and you never cared, and you pretended to care, and all I cared about was having someone there even if I didn't care who it was.
and I was just hoping that one day october would wake up and want me. I'm not sure why i've always done this to myself.

but just like now when I forget how to live and I spend all my time growing up that I never stay young, and I waste four years and can't remember it. then I wake up a day in october and hate myself for it. and It doesn't matter because I won't be able to get it back ever, and I will regret it, but I will never learn from it. and I will understand it, but still defend it.
fuck this.